Before I start I want to say a few things that I learned on IMDb recently. First, this films original cut was 3.5 hrs long.. which was trimmed to 2 hrs & 3 min. Second, that cut was originally rated R, then cut back to PG-13, because it had, note 'too much action & violence'.. I'm triggered.. Where the hell is this 3.5hr R-rated cut at ?!?!?

On to the review!

This movie is awful in 'almost' every way. It boggles the mind how ridiculous this movie is. Let's start with the main culprit, Mr. John Woo, The man of doves! The dual wielding sensei!! The Slow-mo guru!!! fuck, did he direct the fuck out of this movie, and I don't mean that in a positive way. He literally directs the fuck out of everything in this movie. I thought De Palma was a little heavy-handed in the first flick, but John Woo shows up with his damn cocks (birds) out. This film is shot with as much intense ignorance and blinding confidence that its poisoning to the eyes. No shot is spared here! It's like I watched his soul come alive on screen.

Let's get specific, He doesn't just shoot a conversation, he stages it with action, The camera fucking zooms into cruise's sweaty ass upper lip, The frame is filled with this, as he talks. urgh, I literally just shivered thinking about it. He doesn't just shoot an action sequence. He composes that shit, like if this dude was an ex-Cirque du Soleil employee that got fired cause he kept using fucking explosives and guns. These action shots are shot with such 'coolness' that they overload and explode with-out rhyme or reason. He slows down every moment of intensity down to the point of 'No Intensity', LISTEN, this is smart & necessary, you see you cannot enjoy this level of (bird)shit hitting the fan, it needs to be slowed down for the human body to physically consume it, it's fucking science. Every back-flip kick, every hair-whip, every crash, every scene of exploding glass or debris. and yes, every flapping bird conveniently in the way of every action shot. We, the human species can't handle this much action.

In all seriousness, I'm serious, this movie is just too much, Woo is a fanatic, he is the Tommy Wiseau of action, and though his shot designs were bonkers and crazy, his action sequences were just mind-boggling in all the wrong ways.

But enough of that guy, what about the rest of the movie.

Well, I will admit, this script in my eyes was more entertaining than the first Mission. I enjoyed Cruise a-lot more, though you can see Woo in the background yelling at cruise to look & act cooler, Cruise, for the most part, was enjoyable. He didn't have that weird fake smirking smiling shit going on like the last film. And I mean come on, as a guy already starting to bald, look at his lush mane, JESUS. I don't care how impractical it would be to have that kind of hair as a spy, it sells the coolness.

I also really enjoyed the relationship going on between Nyah and Ethan, yes it was melodramatic and cheesy, but it worked, maybe it was the sexy visuals by your boy Woo-Woo, maybe it was the birds, maybe it was Tom Cruise long locks of love, Maybe it was that upper sweaty lip, maybe it was Maybelline, I don't know, I loved it.

I think it worked for me because Thandie Newton is just great to see on screen, she plays this wonderful mix of vulnerable and tough almost to a tee. Also, might as well get into the best part of this film.

HANS ZIMMER's Nyah & Ethan - open.spotify.com/track/6JNAORpa8G5xg08TosyC7V?si=89TxYGPzRZOL8EDXfw5IYA

Your welcome, now click the link and listen to that shit while you read the rest of my review. The rest of Zimmers score is awful though.

Let me round out the rest of the bad since you’re probably enjoying that gorgeous song. The editing is traumatic, like code red horrible. The cuts don't even try to line up to the shots before them which truly became annoying. And for the action sequences, the editing makes no logical sense, best not to even try to comprehend what the fuck is happening there. The acting from the rest of the cast is overly serious, I did enjoy the villain performance by Dougray Scott, it was cheesy, but it was fun. And the Cinematography is just flat, bland, and a boring image.

Now before I close out, I need to address the elephant in the room. Besides the fact that this film was awful in every meaning of the word. I actually enjoyed myself quite a bit. The entire ending of this film made me erupt in laughter. All leading to me in tears, not joking, in fucking tears when the motorcycle jousting happened. and that flying impact and it got worse. The ensuing overly long fistfight on the beach, had me grabbing at my ribs in pain, I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard. Every terrible punch, kick, flip, jump-kick, flying-kick, arm twist, headlock, body flip, and tackle had me in a weird, surreal state of enjoyment, it was too much action, it was too much slow-mo, too much violence. I know this sounds ridiculous but I kinda loved it. I kinda loved all of it. I had a fucking blast.

So in ending,

3/10 - Awful

This film is the definition of too much. John Woo redefines action in this Disasterpeice of a film. Starring non-other than Tom Cruise in the second outing of a series, that just started to hit puberty, It's horny and confused in its growth spurt. There's birds, explosions, guns, slo-mo, punching, and action. And it’s all made the worse it could possibly be. It's flat-out awful, but... somehow... I really enjoyed this film. I laughed so hard I cried and begged Woo for mercy, I clutched my ribs, my lungs collapsing, and Woo the legend that he is, does not relent, This relentless film will either make you vomit or laugh.